In high school I started to develop some mild depression. A four year abusive relationship really took it’s toll on my self-esteem and confidence. By the time I got the courage to break the vicious cycle a lot of damage had been done… some of which is still with me today.
Somewhere along the way I got it into my head that self worth was dependent on what others thought about you. I took this idea especially hard and would always over analyze myself to the point of crippling myself socially. I have always felt like the lest popular of the popular kids, which I suppose isn’t the worst place to be. But when you feel as though everyone needs to like you in order for you to matter…then it might be one of the worst.
Even after high school I felt this way. Hell, I still feel this way. At times I was afraid to even leave the house because I felt like I was being stared at and judged constantly… so I started taking college courses online. Slowly but surely I’ve gotten my depression and anxiety under control but my self consciousness and confidence have dwindled. So part of my journey to a healthy mind is to learn to love and accept myself for who I am and to try not to care as much about how others feel about me.
While years of being insecure and anxious have hindered me greatly, my studies and passion have taught me a lot. Through a long string of majors I eventually landed on a focus in humanities and philosophy. I have always been fascinated with why things are the way they are. I know exactly why I am the way I am, and I’ve discovered that I wouldn’t want it any other way. Despite the fact that being me comes with paralyzing self doubt and an inherent need to be liked by others, if my life had gone a little differently I wouldn’t be here right now writing this with my amazing and supportive husband beside me. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what, as long as I am striving for a better life and learning from my experiences, I am on the right path.